the House of Waris

You may ask yourself: after all the complaining I've done, what's the plus side to living here? Well, the main thing is that I have joined the ranks of people who actually do something they said they were going to do, rather than blowing smoke at the sky and talking shit over beers. This may not be a major perk for most people, but being legit is one of my biggest motivations in life.
And, babies, it's cheap as hell to live over here.
Some things that are within the budget:
Huge, dirt cheap apartment with all the furniture included.
Cleaning ladies.
Chauffeur.
Dining allowance.
Access to any club you want.
Taxis any time the car service is tied up.
No drink or meal is outside your means (within reason!).
Anything you see in the mall (with the exception of fine jewelry) you can have, with little planning. (IE, if you splurge on a bag, you probably only want to do that once a paycheck).
Travel to pretty much anywhere in SE Asia for about 200 dollars.

Social Perks:
Never again will I sneer at the problems of, say, A- list celebrities or Princess Di.

Rich, pampered, isolated, and watched by thousands of staring eyes, unable to find a mate, paranoid, "representing" an entire culture, feeling like you have to look good all the time...these are the problems you face, obviously on a much smaller scale, over here as an Ex pat.


However, almost anyone you fancy could be "yours", including some of the most legitimately gorgeous men I've seen of any race. Getting them to talk to you...well, that's another story. :)

Some other perks:

The existential crisis I felt I was facing in the US is just a dim memory. Oh, yeah...everyone WAS gettin' hitched, and havin' kids, and turning into Desperate Housewives....well, f- 'em. Time to pull a Bourdain and jet out of here.

I was talking to Ankit last night (he's back!! with a deep tan and some perspective. He landed in NAIA airport on Monday night, went to work, and texted me Tuesday AM- "I'm back in town honey.") and he was explaining how he feels it's best to be with "your own people" but when it comes to Americans "they have a different thought", which is that they're done with the US, they've seen it all, and they don't miss it much. Now, this is partially true. There's nothing for me in the US, not really. He laughs that of the 40 or so Americans he's met, they all say this.
Gee. Well, it's true.

The rat race? The incandescent rage that comes over you when YET ANOTHER girlfriend throws away her independence, artistic dreams, and life to some schlub who can't find his own beer with both hands and a flashlight? The inability to find a job despite an impeccable resume? The cost of living that makes you want to hang yourself but not before robbing a bank? Hipsters? Bluetooth headsets? SUVs? Thousands of ex- boyfriends who are now marrying some ditz with a penchant for capri pants?

Yeah.....I'll pass, thanks.
Of course, I miss my buddies, and certain things, but overall, I'm done with the US for now. Not to say I won't come back for visits, but really? What is there for me now?

If you asked me "but where will you go after this?" I would say I don't know, but if I had to guess, I would say "India." Just like two years ago when I told my mom "I think my true identity may be "ex-pat", and it turned out to be true, I think (although it may be wrong) now that I'm over here, this may be the first step on a long trip, literally around the world, to find something. Like everyone who comes to the East, it's to find something, no one knows what, but I'll tell you another perk of living here is that you can REALLY hear your "third eye".

Since I've been here my natural intuition is on high all the time. Right before I left the States I was shopping with my mom at Anthropologie, and I saw a hot pink coffee table book labeled "India" and I remember clearly having the thought "I'll be headed there, too." Also it features a contribution by one of the most fascinating creatures of all time: the man behind "House of Waris". I won't go into boring detail, but he's someone I'm very interested in, from all dimensions.
When or how I don't know I'll get there, but all things in good time.

What the guidebook left out part 2

Things the guidebook forgot to tell you part two:
(Once again, this would be things you would need to know, not "the beaches are terrific, whee!" type stuff)


- clothing sizes:
Clothing is sized as in the US, but it's not the same dimensionally. A size XS is a 00, a large is about an 8, and XL (which is hard to find) is about a ten on top, an 8 on the bottom.

In addition to that, due to the weather, many companies don't use poly or Lycra, so there is no "give" to the clothes. They are also cut very narrowly- high armholes, tight bodices, close to the body, tight arms, small neck openings, etc. Also, people like to wear their clothes either too tight (in my opinion) or pillow- case voluminous, neither of which are really the best look for a tall, curvy girl like myself. The general style we've been over but suffice to say it's 1980's bonanza over here.

Now I'm sure in Manila or other cities the selection is a bit wider, but most of the malls here in Clark have the large stores, so there's not much we're lacking, it's just...really, really tiny.

Which leads me to my next point, which is sort of a "gimmie" but you don't really think about it until you are here:

People are small. Okay, so? Well, that means that public transpo, dressing rooms, chairs, bathroom stalls, and other public spots are small, like sized for people under 5'7", and less than 120 lbs. My first few weeks here I was covered in bruises from "too small" spaces until I got used to it. In addition to that, people are a little scared, rightly so, of someone who looks like they can break them over their knee, so it's hard to get anyone but drunks, street walkers, and total creeps to talk to you.



The music people play in public spaces is almost always top forty, club mixes, or uncensored, hard core rap, and that includes grocery stores, malls, mini stop, offices, etc.

Nuff said about that, I think.

Personal space? what's that? In Internet cafes, if there's 39 empty chairs and one taken, I will ALWAYS be put next to the ONE taken spot unless I request otherwise. Also, as another example, people do not mind being pushed, bumped, and jostled out of the way. As a result, they will block doorways in a kind of unintentional "chicken" with outgoing/ incoming pedestrian traffic. The upside is you can just shove someone gently out of the way and they'll just keep gabbing away on the phone, totally unfazed. The downside of this is that it's VERY irritating at first to be around hundreds of people with ZERO awareness of the people around them, since they work as a unit anyway.

There is no line. There is no "next". It's shove- and- cut central. If you politely wait behind the current customer some shrill granny with 87 items WILL push her way in and take over, making you either push her ass out of the way or bitch to the guard "she cut me" in a painful reprise of kindergarten block time. It's a fucking free for all, with the loudest and tallest or most pushy getting to go next.


Well, ladies only for this one: The country does not, in general, use tampons. They only stock a few "kinds" and that's one type of one brand and one type of another, and they are quite expensive. For you hippies out there, there is no Diva cup, Instead (my personal fave), or any other earth friendly things, unless you count sea sponges, I suppose, but they don't really carry those either. The reason is that people think they are "dirty" and as a result, don't use them. On one hand, those two boxes are always available, on the other, let's hope you like what they have. There's no, like travel size boxes with 5 emergency ones in the gas station like there is in the US.
I said "uncensored" people!!! Don't be prudish!!
On a similar note, there is no NuvaRing, or other devices for women that you can get over the counter either. It's rubbers or the Pill, and welcome to baby central!!! And the brands of condoms do NOT inspire confidence: Kama Sutra, Frenzy, Kiss, Lick, and Trust. (and Durex, I think). All of them are like 50 cents a box. You can get these anywhere, so that's a plus. It doesn't explain all the nine zillion babies everywhere, but whatevs.

It's loud. All the time. Really, really, really loud. I have permanent ringing in my ears now from a combination of air con, traffic noise, music, work, and street noise. I had it in Buffalo too, and it subsided when I went back to the country for a while, so hopefully it will get better once I go back to the states. Also, people have a tendency to vocalize in what I perceive as a really awful, shrill shriek. Mostly older women, but no one's immune from this. It just grates on me. However, North Americans sound like the honking of geese to Pinoy (they call it "the American Twang") so I realize this may just be me but GOD is it nerve- racking. Often this occurs in the context of what appears to be an average, everyday, regular conversation with no visible anger and no reason for the shouting, it's just how we do over here.

People will tolerate an incredible amount of nonsense. I mean, three different cell phone radios playing and kids screaming away in Internet cafes, broken everything, no service, rude trike drivers, kiosks with no change (hello!! isn't it YOUR ONLY PURPOSE IN LIFE TO TAKE MONEY? AND YOU HAVE NO CHANGE FOR A 50P bill? The only thing smaller is a 20P bill!!!), coasters that zip by without stopping and no explanation of why, medicine being out of stock, no toilet paper in any public toilets, employees following you around like you're a shoplifter and then giving you a poker faced refusal to help you when you need it, etc. And you will either exhaust yourself being outraged/ incandescent with shock and awe/ stunned/ etc or you'll just learn to get yourself a cold one and laugh at all. My first few weeks I was like "TURN ON THE FUCKING POWER NOW. DO. IT.", now I bring a book to the phone card store, it will be a 30 minute ordeal to buy one phone card, that's how it goes.

You are "sir". Your ample bosom, pretty face full of makeup, generous "baby making" hips, Marilyn Monroe booty, strappy sandals, man on your arm, and long wavy locks don't mean anything. "Yes sir? What size dainty plaid pump do you want sir?" Or, covering their bets "SIRMA'AM" all one word. Sometimes they catch themselves, or already have a better grasp of English to begin with, but usually I'm "sir". No matter WHAT I'm wearing, who I making out with at Atlantis (could be Vin Diesel him self and I'd get "another Skyy and vodka, sir?" And they mean me), or where I am or what I'm buying ("how about some chocolate to go with these feminine hygiene items SIR?") I get "Sir", and it's with the usual huge eyed poker face. Sigh. Just give it up.

Phrases you hear that sound offensive but aren't:

"so there" (means "that's all for now"/ "alrighty then")

"just wait for a while" (means " a second or two/ a moment")

"yesssssss ma'am?" (Said in a super sugary ingratiating sing- song voice from hell- just a regular store clerk trying to get you to buy something)

"hey! angeles, angeles!!" (or whatever destination they drive to- they're just lettin' you know, just in case you can't see/ read/ hear/ haven't a clue where their jeepney goes)

"have a seat" (please make yourself comfortable) personally I've always hated this, even in the US. I have an immediate reaction of DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! Could just be me, though.

"sorry?" (I didn't get it/ don't understand)

How I spent my Christmas Vacation

How I spent my Christmas Vacation, by The Gentleman Adventuress.

Well, beautiful ones, I went to the motel- hotel, Holiday INNnnnnn. I "availed" (as they say to mean "used") of a package deal that included one night, three meals, a bottle of wine, complimentary "welcome drinks" and of course, full use of all the facilities at the Inn, which are considerable.

The Holiday Inn Clark itself is really nice- a four star hotel with three restos, a huge pool, two little shops, a bar by the pool, and a spa.

The rooms are green and white, very "Elle Decor" with Plasma TV's, pocket doors on the bathrooms (with the de regieur telephone in the bathroom, for when you want to roll deep with your room service in the tub), and a huge, fluffy, glacially white bed. Also, a little balcony, also with pocket doors leading to it.

So I flung my stuff on the bed and put on my swim wear, ate the buffet lunch (check out photos on my Facebook), and then collapsed in a haze by the pool, on one of the chaise lounges. Of course, 364 days a year over here it's 92 and sunny as hell, that day it was 80 and overcast, almost too COLD to go swimming but I did anyway, darnit!

So I gave my family a call, since it was still Christmas eve over there, and talked to my brother, who I haven't seen in about 2 years. That was nice, we had a good laugh over a couple things and I encouraged him to check out my FB, etc.

So after a nap, dinner at the mind- boggling buffet, I watched TV.

I was actually really excited for cable, but honestly, the selection was a bit anemic; about 6 "local" channels (just who do they think is staying at the Holiday Inn?), 5 news channels, 3 movie channels (all showing dreadful B roll holiday stuff like "Dunstin Checks in:To the Stable: Holiday 3-d!" , etc, the "variety" option (one bravo- oxygen hybrid, Asian MTV, etc), two "documentary" channels (nat geo and discovery, one of which was showing a doc on Solar Eclipses called "eclipse chasers"--NOT kidding).

I finally settled on Private Practice, and just gave up, and watched a show I've never seen that was mid- season in season three. But I like the actress that plays Addison (she reminds me of me, kind of) so I just vegged out. Then I called my mom and brother (it was finally Christmas in the US). Then I went to sleep.

The next AM I woke up and turned on my phone and one of my work friends had texted me wondering what I was doing. Seeing as this was like, attempt 25 for us to hang out (he is the Business Director for three accounts, one of which is the most major e-tailer that you can think of. Yes, that one. The one you immediately thought of, so the last 6 week have been various texts from him at odd hours trying to buy me a beer after he gets off work after being on for 29 hours in a row and me being like, uh, Cy? It's 7 am, honey. I'm in BED..) I texted back that I was at the Inn, freezing cold and about to eat the buffet (which is legendary around here).

Anyway, I told him I was about to have the buffet and as it was "for two" if he wanted to he could come. I had him at "free".

"I'll be there in 3 minutes". He texted. "I'm right around the corner." Work is, indeed, a quick two minute car ride away from the motel-hotel.

I imagine he threw his files at his VP and sprinted out to the parking lot because he met me in the *hallway* coming from my room to the dining room. He's nobody's fool.

So he found us a booth (clever boy) and we "availed" of the buffet and he tried to weasel out of my who I had been dating recently.

A typical attempt to convince me that he was a better catch than previous jerks who had said the same damn thing and then fled the country abruptly followed this, then he toddled off after graciously offering to act as a human water bottle for my very cold room. What a gentleman, hee hee. Can't blame a man for trying, and he was very charming about it.

He did tell me a very funny little story after I asked him if he were Christian (his answer: "partly". Har har!).
"...And I didn't even go to mass yesterday, can you believe that!" He chortles. "I had 170 calls on wait(meaning "on hold to be answered) last night, and 230 in the queue (being answered) and I wanted to go, but I think to myself "God's more forgiving than service levels. God will understand. I hope."

Now, he's attractive, with a long, narrow frame with exceptionally beautiful hands and feet (and manicured nails, which is actually a bit off- putting, but a least he takes care of himself) large, light brown eyes, nice hair with just a little white at the temples (men! they look so good with white hair! And women with a sprinkling of white look like a hippie wiccan who doesn't shave! why!) he dresses very well, and more importantly, wears his clothes well, and he's actually a mix of Indian and some Levantine race (this is the rumor, which I believe), which gives his features a delicacy and sculpture lacking in most Indians, but he's just....not boyfriend material.

He has a cash register for a heart, is a typical paranoid Scorpio, is a notorious skirt chaser, is tightfisted to the point of humor, is universally disliked by my closest coworkers ("He's no fun." Daddy O ( a man who will hang out with ANYONE) dolorously intoned once) and at work we joke he has at least 12 personalities and counting.

However, I happen to enjoy the company of outcasts and weirdos, as they often have the best gossip, never prevaricate, and are very loyal to those that give them attention. So we're "friends" after a fashion.


So that was my Christmas. How was yours!