silver and gold

The afternath:

Mistakes were made, people got blamed, the mushroom cloud carried ashes for yards until the truth came out: I need more friends (over here).

What happened was that a) I took a long weekend because I had to work Saturday, so I took the preceding Monday off. b) Ankit indicated that he is most likely not coming back from his "vacation" (IE, he's fleeing the country while the getting is good), and c) I was supposed to hang out with Ant, and he couldn't make it.

So as I was flinging myself around my apartment boiling hot and trying not to send sarcastic text messages to the "quitters" (Ant and Ankit), because, really, what do they owe me anyway, and both of them have been, on the whole, pretty decent to me, I was overwhelmed with waves of intense emotion, in fact questioning every decision I've ever made, society- wise.

Maybe I shouldn't have taken a hard line about Buffalo, I mean, drinks *were* very cheap... Maybe I should have just stayed in Rochester and married Mike C.... Maybe I should have just have gone to grad school in another state...

It's hard to go from being Vinnie Chase to "E" overnight. (In other words, from being Queen to Infidel).

So I went to bed kind of sad, but not broken hearted or anything.

Anyway, the next day at work I was pretty much over it, or so I thought, and I was doing audits, and Ant pinged me just to basically say "sorry I had to bail, I wanted to hang out, but just couldn't". Now, the thing to keep in mind here was that he had already given me very timely updates as to his increasing inability to come over, he was just giving a sort of "follow up sorry", and at the time of the "bail-age", I distinctly remember that I was upset but not beside myself.

So....when he was explaining how busy he was I was surprised to find myself struggling not to CRY. I felt like I wanted to put my head on the keyboard. Obvs, this was WAY out of proportion to what really happened, the importance of the characters involved, the situation, etc. What really got to me was how hurt I was, and how hard it was to keep it myself. So I just got off OCS and got coffee and asked myself "what did you REALLY want?"

The answer, after the mental hurricane died down, was I wanted someone to hang with, and while it would have been nice if he made it, it wasn't totally about him, per se. This realization was almost more upsetting than thinking I was going to have to pretend I had "allergies" to my coworkers when they caught me crying over OCS. I was staring into the void, and it was full of a lack of friends.

Waiting for the coaster, I called Adam at home and was like "slap some sense into me". He did, and he gave me the same advice I had essentially given myself: Time to find some more friends so if one friend has to cancel you're not ALL ALONE FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.

So the thing is....I have a phone full of numbers, and very few real friends. I complained to my mom "I'm so tired of starting over with new friends. I want my old cool friends back!" (They're still my buds, they're just in different places right now, literally or figuratively). My mom was like "uh, maybe you shouldn't have moved to East Asia, just a thought." She also pointed out, rightly, that I moved here for "mew experiences" and new friends was one of them. Yeahhhhh..... she's right.

Operation Populate Fields (har har!!) went into effect the next day. I'm (as anyone who knows me knows) not one to lay around on my divan with crystal tears slowly leaking down my alabaster cheeks, wanly wondering where all the buddies are.

Step one: identify targets, lock on them and take them down

There are several friendlies at work, so I got to work on them. My tops are Arthur, a floor manager, and Panda, a trainer in the Learning Center. Fate smiled on me (well, my own efforts were rewarded) because the next day I ran into Panda and had a little chat, so we'll see. I also sent a message to Arthur, asking him and the Mrs. to dinner, and he was down, so that's that.

Step two: make more of an effort with the current contacts

So the deal is, I have been told over and over that I'm not "open" emotionally, and hard to approach (hmmm. maybe being a giant in a land of tinies might have something to do with it?). This is an ongoing effort, including actually telling people "I'd like to HANG OUT MORE. what say?"

step three: find something to do besides hanging out on Fields or in my apartment. Maybe some friends will be there, out in the big wide world. At any rate, they're not likely to crash through the ceiling while I watching "A Perfect Murder" for the 15th time.

Now, this is hard, since my overnight working schedule, my social and "political" status separates me from most natives, and I don't like to take chances offending people, and this tends to make me stick to my well established comfort zone. But I'll be working on it.

Also, before I make friends with anyone else, I will be inspecting their visa very thoroughly: are they liable to up and leave the COUNTRY in the next three weeks (LINDSEY, RYAN, and ANKIT, I'm looking at you!!!!), if so, keep it moving to the left, to the left. No sale.

I'll keep you all posted on how it goes.