Man-splained

Is it confusing or am I just lost? Who's fault is it when you have a really strange encounter that leaves you wondering "What just happened?" Is it my fault for having certain expectations or is it his fault for being an oddball who sent extremely mixed messages? 

Let me set the scene:

For about 4 months now, I've had a little crush on someone who is based out of another office, but visits our site about once a week. Rarely in my life have I met someone whose looks and demeanor were such a red herring, but we'll get to that later. So, this guy has extremely distinctive looks, so I'll sort of draw the veil over that, but I'll just say he's Indian, and for the sake of this story, let's call him Ranjit Singh ("The Lion of the Punjab") And for those of you who work with me, no, it's not Harry. Although I certainly enjoy looking at beautiful Harry, but when you see Harry, the song "Trouble" by Taylor Swift plays in your head. So that's a no.

 I saw this guy and was struck with cupid's arrow, and I even told one of my coworkers "There goes my future husband". There was something about him- a sort of Saint Sebastian grace combined with good looks that made me want to run away to a tropical island with this guy. Oh, wait, I'm already on a tropical island. 

Anyhow, I always gave this guy the milk and honey look when I saw him, and he was always having it, so we always did the cheerleader and the quarterback thing when we saw each other- nod, smile, wave, a little blush, you know, the whole banana. 

Well, anyhoodle, the other day I was in the elevator and Ranjit gets in and immediately looks like he won the lottery. We start talking and introduce ourselves. Now, here's some minor but key information that led me to believe that there was "something" going on. I went to 7-11 and he went to Starbucks after getting off the elevator, and then I sat down on the outdoor smoking porch apron, while he was inside. My attitude was "let's see what happens here." 

Sure enough, he came out after 15 minutes and came over-- "You should have told me you were coming out here!" He sat down and we had a nice chat- books we've both read, work gossip, things like that. The vibe is friendly with just the lightest hint of flirt. Now I am a practiced, old hand at flirting and I think I know when a man is flirting with me and when he's all business/ just friends. I have met quite a few men who, from the jump, I knew it was just friends, and there's this green apple crispness to your interactions-- this kind of super polite, professionalism that sends a message. In this case, there was an intimacy (for lack of a better word) and a kind of "let's get to know each other as fast as we can" feeling-- a kind of pea-cocking that screams "Mating Dance" that's very distinctive. For example, he told me "Whenever I see you, you always have a book with you." Whenever I see you. 

Is it just me? 

So THEN he casually tells me he'll be in town for the weekend (as opposed to going back to the Mother Site) what are my plans. Well, my plans are a dimly lit bar and plenty of alcohol and cleavage, and possibly bringing along a wing man for backup, but, I was like "you know what, not much. Yoga, and then....?" I give him the full Geena Davis eyes, and sure enough, like clockwork, he's like "Let me add you on IM and I'll get your number. Let's go out this weekend. For sure." 

O-k. whee! I was on cloud nine. 

So, about 15 minutes later he messages me and is pretty no nonsense about getting my number (now, this in and of itself would normally be a clue, because American guys usually do this charming little charade about getting your number, whereas Indian guys lock on to their target and don't make any bones about what's going on or what they want. Usually.) Number exchange goes down. I go back to work business and leave around 12. 

THEN at 4 AM (which is like 4 PM for us, we work nights) I get this text "Hey it was great catching up with you today. I'm just leaving the office now. Let's make a plan for the weekend." 

I mean, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit to you, WHAT guy that just wants to be friends sends that kind of message to a girl he just met???

 Maybe he went to some kind of boarding school where they drilled it into him to follow up with a "nice to meet you" message? (I do this with new girlfriends, I was drilled in this type of thing, but I have NEVER met anyone else who was. Never.) 

So I thought long and hard about this and decided to treat it as "just friends" and then see what happens. That's usually the best thing to do anyway-- less heartbreak that way if things go wonky. 

Sat night I texted him "Hey, we makin' it happen this weekend?" 

Immediately this guy calls me and the following mystifying thing happens: 

Ranjit:  "Well, I'm still at work, but we're going to go to [the movie] Django at 11. You want to come? I'll buy you a ticket so we can all sit together." 

Oh, WE can? Can WE get some Good and Plenty too? 

What just happened?

 I dissembled- I was going out with Mark, Beth and Dru anyway and kind of wanted a second opinion. I mean, the movies? In a group? Ohhhh kaayyyy? Are we calling this just friends now? So I told him "let me see how my night shakes out and I'll text you later, okay?" Sure. He's Mr. Fucking Agreeable.

 I meet up with the group and start in on the Long Island Pitchers tout suite. I tell the guys the story "Am I crazy? Does this guy just want a white friend for "pocket aces"?" (This is what I call it when an Indian guy doesn't want you for himself, but he wants to keep you "in pocket" for his single friends so they'll owe him big time later. It happens- and I can name names.) 

According to the scoffing men in the group I was with, "Uh, no, honey. He wants to _____ you and he's just being a fool about it." 

So he texts me at 2 AM- "Hey I'm just getting coffee, do you want to meet up now or just reschedule?"

 The desire to know what's up outweighs my tiredness so I give him directions to my place and we meet at my pad to have coffee and just talk. And believe me when I say my ire was at a point where it could have been a full moon and the place could have been full of candles with Frank Sinatra playing and it would have been "just talk". 

Well, it was odd. I mean, it was cool, in the sense that I have now made a new friend, but it was like-- off kilter. I could not shake the feeling that he was waiting for me to give him the go signal to turn up the heat and  go there, but I wasn't feeling it, due to his total lack of traditional flirting. This guy had all the sexiness and charm of white asparagus. And you would never know it to look at him! 

Now, I enjoy "intellectual" flirting, and I fancy myself pretty good at it, but recommending Mein Kampf to a girl you just met is not a great example of such. This guy kind of made a rookie error in that he got caught up in having a conversation and left his balls somewhere on the side of the road (sorry to be so frank, but that's what happened!) 

Basically, here's the short list of his well intention-ed blunders: 

• Evangelically recommending an est- like seminar to me-- more than once
• The aforementioned Mein Kampf moment 
• Describing how he broke up with a girl by explaining "Look, I'm not going to marry you, okay? So do with that what you will." 
• Suggesting we start up a business (wha?)
• Telling me "If you're not chasing money, you're going to be an outsider your whole life. Sorry, but that's how it is." 
• Admitting to reading Mitch Albom *and sending copies to his dad who was stationed in Nigeria* (hanging offense right there) 
• Being scared of my cat-- correction-- my KITTEN
• Exhorting me, with a straight face and a fatherly aura, to just have fun and not worry about the future
• Quoting the Power of Now as if it's something new. Ugh. Dude, really? And you're not even trying to get in my pants right now? 
• Hard- core suggesting I try out teaching English to Koreans and even going so far as to mentally draw out a plan for who he could hook me up with to get it started
• Man-splaining the taste of white people. Oh, really? Wow, thanks. (And every non white guy I've ever met commits this same crime, btw.) 
• Basically treating me as if I needed a life makeover, despite my cute hints that I was not having it ("Uh, do I have a sign over my forehead saying I need a life coach, or something?" I asked him. Didn't even slow him down)
• Recommending "The Prophet" and then not being able to remember any single part of it (BUSTED!!) 
• Arguing with virtually everything I said-- nicely, but still.

I'm laughing reading this over, and fondly remembering watching this whatever- it- was go down in flames. 

The thing is, all of this would have been sort of bearable if it didn't come in this really weird package- like he was my therapist or something. As my friend Laurie memorably said "If your Doctor does it, it's probably not sexy." 

So, yeah, fail. Sorry, honey. You're still beautiful, but you're just too weird, even for this Aquarius. (Although he did win points for knowing who Linda Goodman was. Sort of)