I can see clearly now, the wallet is empty

When I was a kid, my parents, god bless 'em, deeded my sister and I with a series of gigantic, blush pink or tortoiseshell colored glasses that would have looked more at home on either Krystal from Dallas or a super hipster installation artists from Brooklyn. (Fig 01)
I really did not look this hot: Fig 01

There's photographic evidence, people. I mean, first of all, it was the 80's, and second of all, we broke glasses like it was our job, so if it were me I would have made my kids wear those basketball glasses that strap to your head with a rubber strap, so I guess we got off easy. Anyhoo, with the years, I've inherited their titanic miserliness when it comes to shelling out for eyewear. I often watched with envy tinged with scorn as my friends slapped down 700$ or more for glasses they inevitably sat on in a drunken scene at Nietzsche's (Buffalo dive bar) a week later. (Shout out!)

Thus we came to have the 150$ pair of "glasses" that came with an eye exam and a year's worth of contacts. The exam was performed by a beleaguered white guy in early middle age who looked stunned to find himself in a crumbling "mall" in the worst, most decayed section of Buffalo surrounded by Sean John glasses with anti theft tags obscuring most of the lenses.

I vividly remember trying to joke with him: "Does anyone really have lavender eyes?"

He gave it some thought. "No." He intoned with the seriousness of a judge handing down a verdict in court. Oof.

So after that was over I was allowed to choose a pair of "glasses" from the "poverty stricken" rack, which held a vibrant selection of huge 1970's aviator bifocals (which I probably should have went with, if I had the balls, but that look can only be carried off by the Amanda Beales of this world) horrifying flesh toned glasses that screamed "I am NOT a crook. I am a molester." and etc. I actually went to the "upgrade" rack and picked the least offensive glasses I could find, a pair of black wire rimmed slightly oval frames that my GIANT lenses threatened to break with their sheer thickness.

So I wore my contacts every day (which is what I took advantage of the special for anyway, since usually contacts alone are 150$), and I didn't think my glasses were that bad. Well, then I moved to the Philippines, where people think it's fun to shout out your every flaw at top volume in a crowd: "WHY ARE YOU SO FAT?!" "YOUR BRACES MAKE YOU LOOK LAME!" etc.

So one day my eyes were bothering me and I wore my glasses to work, expected SOME teasing, but not what I got, which was the kind of remarks people make after you've been in a disfiguring accident and no one knows what to say exactly. "Wow...your glasses are really....thick." they would whisper, shocked, like they were gazing on the dessicated body of a mummy, preserved for thousands of years by the harsh desert heat and dry sand. I can't lie, that hurt.

Well, anyway, when I went home to tell this to my supposedly sympathetic roommate, he concurred with all the jerks that stared at me, slack- jawed. "Well, when I first saw those glasses, I thought they made you look so old, and I wanted to say something, but I decided not to."

Gee, thanks.
Anyhow, I'm too cheap and stubborn to spend money on new glasses when I have PERFECTLY GOOD horrible glasses already, but fate intervened when I rolled over on them (I usually take them off and put them on the far corner of the bed when I sleep) and the bow snapped off at the hinge.

"My glasses broke!" I screamed to my roommate the next day.

"Good riddance." He drawled, sipping coffee.

Well, that's that.

The good news, is that while in the US, a decent pair of glasses that looks like you didn't get them from a cardboard box at the back of your local house of worship, costs about 500$ if you don't have insurance, over here it varies, you can spend that much, but you'll be rocking Dior or Chanel.

So I grabbed up Wills and went shopping. Most places had these "Euro Artiste" glasses everyone has now- slim rectangular lenses in black rectangular frames. I guess I feel like those are "run of the mill"---everyone has them. I had in mind something cool, something stylish, I did NOT want to settle.

So I tore out a picture of these cool, slightly over sized tortoiseshell frames, like 1950's librarian style (fig 02). I actually did find those frames (or very close) from Dior, and they were 11,000 peso, on sale for 30% off.

Dior Glasses: Fig 02

But I just couldn't do it. Visions of my sister and her infamous 5- glasses year (the year she broke five pairs in five equally dramatic scenes, one involving roller skating down a flight of stairs, the terminus of which was made of cement. Basement: 01. Glasses 00.) danced in front of my eyes.

So I shopped around and found a pair of Vera Wang on sale from 10,000 to 5,000, with about an extra 2k for the lenses. That I can live with.

When I put them on, they were a perfect fit for my face. They're a pale Venetian green tortoiseshell, slightly larger and more oval version of the rectangle architect glasses, with a little square gold initials button on the bow. They just really looked good- they didn't overwhelm my small features (I like to think of them as "dainty") or make me look like Ensign Geordie from STNG (NERDS UNITE!, those of youse who know what that is), so I said "sold". (Fig 03)
Fig 03: the Vera Wang glasses.

And now I have nice glasses. And they came in a mini bullet proof titanium glasses coffin that I plan on using, since they cost me the same amount that a civics lesson, a cultural tour of inner city Buffalo, a free heartbreak, a set of contacts, an eye exam, and a pair of "glasses" cost me five years ago.

Inflation. It's a bitch. A well dressed bitch. But a bitch, nonetheless.